and not in the cool punky brewster way. i can't say what one thing is the source, it's more of a general malaise. but what i am is: in and out and back again, funkified.
there's a lot to be said about setting expectations about what you hope to achieve and then having that splat and implode. there's a lot to be said about post traumatic stress disorder. there's a lot to be said about a crisis of purpose, as in which path is the one meant for you, and how to find it again.
i'm also in week 3 of this course: http://www.susannahconway.com/e-courses/unravelling/ and it has been as well timed for me as i thought it would be. but, in a good way, it is also adding to my funk.
people keep expecting things from me, energy i'm unsure i want to give or am just too tired to contemplate despite wanting to. . .or am just flat out uninspired by the thought of doing. i'm in a rut of non-involvement, which is somewhat a good thing but can't be the only thing. the husband was out of town for a week last week. the boy has started both weekly occupational therapy and physical therapy appointments two mornings a week which make for half days of school for him those days and have thrown my expectations of available mommy "get 'er done" time out the window. also in the mix, plans about being able to be involved in my daughter's first grade class as i had in her kindergarten activities continue to get blown apart. so, i found myself filling out a volunteer form for the school cafeteria.
i'm going to be a lunch lady.
a parent volunteer, once a week.
but all the same.
i'm going to be a lunch lady.
my daughter is pretty excited though and it is, as hoped, helping smooth over her disappointment about the limited volunteer schedule to be in her classroom. she proceeded to tell me about the jobs i might land as a lunch lady, she hopes i get to be the ketchup mom. as in the mom that walks around with a big thing of ketchup and gives you ketchup when you raise your hand. i hope i can hack that one, it sounds pretty intense. there are plans to make sure she needs ketchup if i am the ketchup mom. mustard mom is apparently not a cool job, "nobody really likes mustard mommy, it's gross." i may also score the job of opening stuff kids can't open in their lunch, but that sounds like upper management, i'll have to work my way up from mustard mom most likely.
mustard mom. oi. but that was the point of this academic year, to relish the cool parts about being a stay at home mom, one with all her kids in school and the ability to volunteer and be present at her kids' schools and make them smile. you know before they are too old to be embarrassed that their mom is the ketchup mom.
i'm trying to stop being funky. tinybuddha.com had a quote the other day "if we are ever to enjoy life, now is the time, not tomorrow or next year." thomas dreier.
now is my one little word for 2011. so i've been trying to stop procrastinating like mary the spectacular, i cleaned the second floor yesterday, not super clean but clean enough, i even used the hand tool thingy on the steps. i needed to start somewhere. it felt good to do it and the sun shined, and that felt good too.
so today we all started off on a better foot, and on the roof of the parking garage at the childrens' hospital my son and i saw this. he declared it a "sun comet" a sun that looked like a comet.
the picture isn't quite as comet-ey, but i had limited resources. i took the picture on my cell phone, because i wanted to remember the sun comet. remember to look up, look around, because this now is all you've got.
i read this thing about how you should prioritize five things you wanted to achieve any given day. these were the five i wrote to myself in an email before i fell asleep:
get the girl to school haappy, excited, and loved.
get the boy to school the same and with thomas engines for share day.
call pediatrician about vaccination appointment that now conflicts with pt weekly appt.
clean master bath or kitchen and powder room.
i got the first two, and they were the ones that mattered, the third i did call but got lunch break and then closed, must try harder tomorrow. fourth i will probably do tonight, which is when i expected to do it. fifth, eh, that can happen tomorrow or not.