Don’t ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that.
Because what the world needs is people who have come alive. -Harold Whitman

Tuesday, August 16, 2011


i laugh, just typing that title.  

today is better despite many things being worse. i think i am getting a cold, it's just at the beginning, but i took a set of nyquil caplets last night anyway.  because i am all over pharmaceuticals, i did years of "i'm trying to conceive/pregnant/breastfeeding" where i took nothing more than tylenol and tums, i now fully embrace the bosom of the cold and flu remedy aisle. . .i have to make up for lost time.   

the boy has impetigo and the visit to diagnosis him was excruciating.  he wouldn't stop interrupting to ask if he could take their book home (it happened once before) and Penny alternated between acting like she was on crack and screeching like i was going to beat the living daylights out of her. . .despite never having been spanked or struck, ever.  well except that one time i smacked her head when she bit my nipple, with teeth, while breastfeeding. . .guess i did scar her forever.

the cool part about impetigo is it is contagious and no one wants to be near us so that cleared our schedule for the next three days.  the pediatric dentist actually laughed.  yeah, no, we won't don't want your kid here with his oozing contagious facial sores.  damn, because i was really looking forward to that today on the cusp of our successful hissy fits at both appts yesterday.  

after i cleared the nyquil fog from my head this morning, i decided to make myself tea.  the same tea i made myself on the oncology unit, which was a purposeful act of self care so deep that the smell of that kind of tea infuses straight into my core.  i've never been a tea person, but that warm cup means a lot to me, in ways hard to explain.

which lead me to something awesome this morning, some clarity (see yesterday). i've been working with a web designer for so long on a new site and wondering what i would do with it, and lately, what would become of my contribution here.  and today it struck me, the purpose is already there, defined.  

my new site has all these sections i already pre-defined but the main part i told her to simply call "stories."  i love to tell stories, it's how my memory is ordered.  stories filed away with tags that trigger them.  i have so many stories i want to share with my kids, that i want to get out of me.  it's so easy for me to approach in that context.  a picture for each post, of the trigger, and then the stories it extracts from me, what they mean to me.  

that seems like an endless prompt for me as everything around me triggers a story, it's how i work.  and it's unique.  i'm not looking to build a web presence, but neither was pioneer woman, and i don't want to be a copycat or just be another mom blogger with a daily journal out there, because, that's my business.  but this seems like something that could work, not only for me, inspiring me and letting me tell stories and be creative, but i think it could maybe appeal to people, inspire others to tell their stories to their family.

here, i love here, with mary, the two of us struggling and succeeding, inspiring each other.  being honest.  and that will remain, always.  and that makes me giddy in such tender ways.  she and i have so many things we want to do, together, that is a certainty.  it makes me take a deep breath, and exhale, it is all going to come together, in a way i never imagined.

but as i looked around my house and suddenly heard all of these stories crying out from shelves, it felt calm, and warm, and happy, like a mug of tea.  i felt better. i had a little slice of clarity for breakfast.  

and then i made a heap of mac n cheese for the kids, and they both finished four helpings.  better.

to-do list:
put away laundry mountain (it took three days to wash it, time to put it away. . .so I can wash more of course)
call make-a-wish back
change out of my pjs
change sheets on master bed
enjoy better
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Monday, August 15, 2011


"More important than the quest for certainty is the quest for clarity." -Francois Gautier

i think this applies to every woman, we all crave clarity.  to know our purpose, our mission, our role.  i don't need to know where things are going, the grand design or the plan, i  just need to know what i am supposed to be doing.  i feel most lost and touchy and snappy when i don't know what i am supposed to be doing.

i also don't like it when i attend multitudes of appts and events for my kids but they can't go to one eye doctor appt without pitching a royal fit, because i need to get new glasses that aren't scratched and giving me an eye strain headache and they owe me one . . . since their impatient whining led to the damage of the glasses in the first place.

ok so that second paragraph isn't inspiring, but it does make me think a lot, how i am ready to be able to put myself first while they are at school. how i am yearning for it despite not admitting it aloud.  how i am ready for them to be more responsible and selfless, they are only 6 and 4.5, and we are on our first non-vacation day, but it was hurtful all the same.   
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Sunday, August 14, 2011

[the whirl and twirl of it all]

life is spinning about me quickly these days.  there just seems to be so much going on, all at once.  my new mode in life has been uni-tasking.  i used to be the queen of multi-tasking, or so i thought. . .or maybe it just used to work better, or my tasks were different.  now, well, now i need to just pick one thing at a time and do that.

life is different now.  this 15 day roadtrip was like saying goodbye to a life i thought i would have and a warm hello to the one i do have.  seeing little itty bitty babies didn't make me long for that family i had always saw myself having, it made me grateful for my kids and where we are now, like i had done my time in the trenches and it was my turn to move on.  our little quartet.  

both kids are going to be in 5 day all day school, although the boy is having second thoughts.  he is only in pre-k so it's not mandatory, but he is worried, and so are we (privately of course).  he survived pediatric cancer, twice, but he has some health issues that will remain.  all summer, i could ignore my concerns over his ability to do school, but now the calendar in the mudroom has 1st day of school marked on it, and the worry is back.

today i learned that the girl managed to score a class assignment with ALL of her best friends, and we are over the moon for that, small miracles.  she is having anxiety about going back to school as well.  she loves school though and will be fine the minute she is with her friends again.  

they are the easiest part of me, the part that falls into simple check lists and solutions, it's light and enjoyable, just being their mom and uni-tasking that job.

then there is the rest of me.  i don't know what i want to do, i need to figure out which of all these little parts of me is the one that is supposed to be my purpose, or if i am supposed to integrate them all.  i have so many little projects i am excited to at last have time for.  the idea of time, in quiet, between school drop-offs and pick-ups- I'll get about 5 solid hours.  i can achieve a lot in that amount of time.  but what gets to come first, what will bring that harmony and happiness not only to me, but to my family.

i can't shake that feeling that lingers still, that while we go about preparations and uniforms and house payments, that we are in the green room for some other life journey we are about to undertake.  this isn't where the story is supposed to remain, that we are on a path to somewhere else. and that adds to the twirl of mind.  

i enjoyed vacation.  immensely.  i liked not knowing what day of the week it was, i liked just riding along, no commitments or expectations that weren't easily met.  i dunked myself in the joy of teaching the kids to enjoy the journey, to find the little wanderers within themselves.  we have so many places to show them.  

i've been pulling together a grand to-do list. but already so much of it i am putting off.  it can all wait.  right now summer is waning, and little ones don't want vacation to end.  the house can breed dust bunnies and sticky spots a little while longer.  my personal frenetic list of ideas and projects can wait.  i only get to be here this one time, i don't want to waste it on things that can wait.  
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