life is different now. this 15 day roadtrip was like saying goodbye to a life i thought i would have and a warm hello to the one i do have. seeing little itty bitty babies didn't make me long for that family i had always saw myself having, it made me grateful for my kids and where we are now, like i had done my time in the trenches and it was my turn to move on. our little quartet.
both kids are going to be in 5 day all day school, although the boy is having second thoughts. he is only in pre-k so it's not mandatory, but he is worried, and so are we (privately of course). he survived pediatric cancer, twice, but he has some health issues that will remain. all summer, i could ignore my concerns over his ability to do school, but now the calendar in the mudroom has 1st day of school marked on it, and the worry is back.
today i learned that the girl managed to score a class assignment with ALL of her best friends, and we are over the moon for that, small miracles. she is having anxiety about going back to school as well. she loves school though and will be fine the minute she is with her friends again.
they are the easiest part of me, the part that falls into simple check lists and solutions, it's light and enjoyable, just being their mom and uni-tasking that job.
then there is the rest of me. i don't know what i want to do, i need to figure out which of all these little parts of me is the one that is supposed to be my purpose, or if i am supposed to integrate them all. i have so many little projects i am excited to at last have time for. the idea of time, in quiet, between school drop-offs and pick-ups- I'll get about 5 solid hours. i can achieve a lot in that amount of time. but what gets to come first, what will bring that harmony and happiness not only to me, but to my family.
i can't shake that feeling that lingers still, that while we go about preparations and uniforms and house payments, that we are in the green room for some other life journey we are about to undertake. this isn't where the story is supposed to remain, that we are on a path to somewhere else. and that adds to the twirl of mind.
i enjoyed vacation. immensely. i liked not knowing what day of the week it was, i liked just riding along, no commitments or expectations that weren't easily met. i dunked myself in the joy of teaching the kids to enjoy the journey, to find the little wanderers within themselves. we have so many places to show them.
i've been pulling together a grand to-do list. but already so much of it i am putting off. it can all wait. right now summer is waning, and little ones don't want vacation to end. the house can breed dust bunnies and sticky spots a little while longer. my personal frenetic list of ideas and projects can wait. i only get to be here this one time, i don't want to waste it on things that can wait.