Don’t ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that.
Because what the world needs is people who have come alive. -Harold Whitman

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

[and then my father-in-law had shoulder surgery]

I have maybe 20 minutes of calm and this is the first place I came, I guess that says something.  June 16th my father-in-law arrived, we took him to the hospital for a routine shoulder surgery, he came home to stay with us.  Initially he said 4-5 days.  Today is day 14.  

I adore my father-in-law and I am grateful he is in our lives and here for my children.  It has been nice having him here.  My routine is completely blown to pieces.  As were all the hopes I had of projects I wanted to achieve the week the kids were in vacation bible school, and my OPAM goals for the month.  

Hitting some hard milestones in the pediatric cancer world and in our own neck of the woods. Feeling pulled by others despite my best efforts to focus on my kids. Feeling stretched to thin, out of time, and behind.  Feeling like I am suffocating under all of it.   Feeling like friends and family don't and never will get what it's like to be a pediatric cancer family, what I still go through.  All they care about are the parts of me that effect them, the rest is just something they look the other way from.  When the only person I find myself opening up to is the mother of a child who is dead, who is struggling so enormously herself, what does that say?  How dare I burden her with my troubles?  Because no one else can seem to hear it.

I wonder at times how people can look at me and think everything is ok, how they think we just moved on and all of that is history.

I guess with the extra person in the house and the mucking of my daily routine of just me, I guess I can empathize with my daughter more.  She craves routine, schedules, agendas. I do not.  But I do crave normal. I like being sole captain of this ship.  I feel like I am losing my mind a little.

I need to:

  • call the pediatric dentist- so I emailed them,and they told me to call back, well at least they know my name now.
  • process my niece's pictures
  • fill out the make a wish form
  • get myself back in charge of the rudder
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