[and then my father-in-law had shoulder surgery]

I have maybe 20 minutes of calm and this is the first place I came, I guess that says something.  June 16th my father-in-law arrived, we took him to the hospital for a routine shoulder surgery, he came home to stay with us.  Initially he said 4-5 days.  Today is day 14.  


I adore my father-in-law and I am grateful he is in our lives and here for my children.  It has been nice having him here.  My routine is completely blown to pieces.  As were all the hopes I had of projects I wanted to achieve the week the kids were in vacation bible school, and my OPAM goals for the month.  


Hitting some hard milestones in the pediatric cancer world and in our own neck of the woods. Feeling pulled by others despite my best efforts to focus on my kids. Feeling stretched to thin, out of time, and behind.  Feeling like I am suffocating under all of it.   Feeling like friends and family don't and never will get what it's like to be a pediatric cancer family, what I still go through.  All they care about are the parts of me that effect them, the rest is just something they look the other way from.  When the only person I find myself opening up to is the mother of a child who is dead, who is struggling so enormously herself, what does that say?  How dare I burden her with my troubles?  Because no one else can seem to hear it.


I wonder at times how people can look at me and think everything is ok, how they think we just moved on and all of that is history.


I guess with the extra person in the house and the mucking of my daily routine of just me, I guess I can empathize with my daughter more.  She craves routine, schedules, agendas. I do not.  But I do crave normal. I like being sole captain of this ship.  I feel like I am losing my mind a little.


I need to:

• call the pediatric dentist- so I emailed them,and they told me to call back, well at least they know my name now.
• process my niece's pictures
• fill out the make a wish form
• get myself back in charge of the rudder

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{fresh start}

How many times in the last 4 years have I said that? Too many.

i
am
done
with
that

with feeling guilty...with being mad at myself...for starting hard and giving up way too easily.
I want
need
must
become healthy again.

So I'm back. For good. No more rock bottoms. No more tomorrows. Yesterday I said tomorrow and every yesterday before that I said tomorrow. This is it. I'm only living in this day, hour, minute, second. I can only make choices for now and plan for the next one.

It isn't 'hard.' I've done it before (TWICE!). I've never had 100+ lbs to lose before though. I know I have to take it 1 lb (or 5 or 10) at a time but in reality I know it is a 106 and it will take me at least a year to get there. Sometimes that gets me really down and then the negative feelings come back...how on earth did I let this happen to myself?!?!

Starting feels different this time...

Hubs is gone for a 4 week business trip. Since together we have developed some very bad habits over the years, having him gone feels like a head start. Not that he wouldn't support me 100% (he would) but now all I have to worry about it what I am eating. I'm hoping to use this time to establish new habits and work towards some short term goals. I am not telling him what I'm doing. It'll be fun to show him when he gets home.

here it goes...

before pics: 6/19/2011 - 236lbs 5'7"

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{so I don't forget}

This week I need to do:

1. Cat care for vacation - call Ashley

2. Gym options for while I'm home

3. Eye Doctor - Me & Michael

4. IRS thing (damn you Turbo Tax)

5. Fencing bill - why are our numbers different?

6. Michael's birthday party

7. Paint office

8. Garage

9. Lawn care for vacation

10.

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[folly]

“On a deeper level you are already complete. When you realize that, there is a playful, joyous energy behind what you do.” -Eckhart Tolle


a friend of mine had this written on her facebook wall by her sister-in-law "it is folly to assume my awesome lies dormant." as a photographer i see it all the time.  photogs scrambling to submit to endless contests or shell out over and over for workshops, hoping to prove something or find something. . .hoping to hear "you are awesome."  


as moms and women, we do the same thing, we are waiting, for this stressful situation to pass, or until this room is put together, then we'll rock it, then we'll be awesome. . .because we'll be there, not here.  there we can be awesome, here is just not ready, it's prepping for awesome.  


but we've already got it, it's all right here.  we don't need 31 days to anything, or that approval from a friend or family member, our awesome is right there, all along. Pin It

[what works]

to-do list

• call obgyn for annual appt
• make life lists
• laundry- do some
• basement- finish it out with the kids
• rsvp to birthday party
• do an art project with kids (preferably something that also gets penny's yearly handprints and footprints done)
• do at least 15 minutes of yardwork
• catch up logbook from this weekend
• try to do morning and evening routines

flylady is just what works for me.  because i don't have to do everything and it will all get done eventually, it's all there in the routines and if you miss one week or day, you'll ge tit next time, it's not about stressing or duty, it's just a routine.

i'm tired.  trying to enforce new rules with the kids is exhausting.  

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[a little bird told me]

i love the brave girls club, and their little inspirational messages.  this one seemed to be speaking right at me and mary today.   Pin It

[a bit here, a bit there]

i have to say one of the things i liked most about the flylady system was that you always felt like you were getting somewhere, and that you were doing well even if you only had 15 minutes to give. flylady was never about you being a better person for having a clean house, it was just about getting it done in a way that didn't burn you out or annoy you. cleaning wasn't a curse inflicted on you that you had to find a way to toil at with a swelling heart of selfless pride, it was just cleaning, so let's find a way to get it done and stop letting it have emotional validity in our lives.


our yard was pretty pristine for house showings, and then well, lots of rain, yanking it off the market and. . .oh my word, whose yard is this? this more i got all flylady on that yard, just do some work. anything is better than nothing. if i do 30-45 minutes each morning (first thing when it is cool), it will be tamed in a week or two. i don't have to let it get worse because i don't have hours to be out there, a little here, a little there, it will get done.


to do list

• get to those lists from yesterday yesterday yesterday yesterday yesterday yesterday yesterday (it is becoming comical, the yesterdays)
• laundry- make progress
• basement- get kids to help me clean up
• see if i can't sneak some time to get home routines set up

yeah that's it. i just don't feel like being a super hero. i've been working hard for a couple weeks now, and it's beautiful today. i'm thinking of seeing if i can't take the kids somewhere and get some photos of my daughter for her recent birthday milestone. or maybe we'll just enjoy being lazy and eating grapes.

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